Come è dura affrontare il mio nuovo stato… È sempre più dura essere lucida e non sfinita per scrivere… Ma ci proverò. Magari scrivendo fra un risveglio e l’altro. Mi hanno spiegato che la mia nuova vita riparte dal giorno +1 per arrivare al giorno in cui il nuovo midollo attecchirà e inizierà a produrre i nuovi globuli bianchi, globuli rossi e piastrine. Dal giorno +1 è comparsa la febbre, da prima alterazione per poi alzarsi sempre più… Hanno detto che è normale… Anche la normale flora batterica residente nel nostro corpo può prendere il sopravvento e dare infezioni batteriche. Le boccette al mio albero di Natale sono aumentate: antibiotici di più tipi, antivirali, antifungini, supporti di vario tipo… Come faranno a non confondersi? Questo è un pensiero che a volte mi tormenta! Ma mi devo fidare di loro! Come fanno tanti medicinali insieme a mescolarsi e passare tutti dai lunghi fili attaccati al cvc? Le attività quotidiane si limitano e con difficoltà ai rituali che devo fare per forza. L’unico momento in cui non dormo è la mattina presto… Sono sempre più debole e fare la doccia è una tortura, così come lavarsi i denti con la garza imbevuta con la clorexidina… Vietato lo spazzolino a causa del rischio di emorragie. Leo mi ha detto amorevolmente che se avessi difficoltà di non esitare a chiedere aiuto… Ma sono testarda… Devo fare da sola! I dolori aumentano, così come una strana sensazione in bocca che ha iniziato a seccarsi già al giorno +2 e che stamattina ho comunicato al dottore. Si è stupito che non avessi detto niente fino a quel momento… E si è pure arrabbiato perché devo comunicare ogni singolo nuovo sintomo per essere aiutata!!! Non riesco più a mangiare dal dolore, solo bere. Mi ha detto essere una normale reazione alla chemio chiamata mucosite e che può essere più o meno intensa a seconda dei protocolli e delle persone. Il pomeriggio è comparsa una nuova sacca enorme! Mi alimenteranno artificialmente per impedire che deperisca troppo… Il letto bilancia non mente. Non capisco perché ho così tanto sonno, forse sarà la stanchezza… La TV mi annoia, al computer non riesco a stare, se mi faccio mettere un dvd non riesco a finirlo.. Anzi, dopo poco dall’inizio dormo già…Vale, mio papà e mia mamma si alternano nei giorni per starmi accanto e non so come riescano a rimanere con me in queste condizioni! Preferirei stare sola piuttosto che vederli lì preoccupati o cercare di essere sereni per non turbare me!!! Chissà quanto soffrono!!! Non possono fare niente per aiutarmi… Mi tengono la mano stando in silenzio, magari mi addormento anche per un’ora e li ritrovo lì con il loro affetto! Perché gli ho voluto fare questo? E ripenso alle due settimane in cui ho dovuto decidere se affrontare il trapianto. In realtà l’ho fatto più per loro che per me ma se avessi saputo che avrebbero dovuto vedermi così… Chissà? Spesso lascio squillare il telefono… Non ho voglia di parlare, anche per il dolore in bocca… Richiamo appena me la sento o dico ai miei di scusarmi con chi vorrebbe sapere da me come sto… Stando fuori non si può avere un’idea di come possa essere affrontare tutto questo! Mi aiuta la musica a stare tranquilla, la musica che Vale ha raccolto in una cartella solo per me e nella quale c’è la nostra canzone “Sleeping Sun”. Spero che i prossimi giorni saranno migliori!
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