Ormai scrivo sempre meno… non ho voglia di niente… Anche la routine è diventata insopportabile e spesso non ho più voglia di seguire le regole di questo regime. Eppure devo, in qualche modo bisogna proseguire. Gli unici momenti di forza in questi giorni sono le visite di mina e pino e di Vale. E spesso non riesco ad essere troppo colloquiale nemmeno con loro. Lascio vibrare il telefono e spesso non rispondo al numero in camera. I giorni scorsi, giorni +7 e +9, hanno dovuto fare due trasfusioni di piastrine perchè l’emocromo non era buono e le mie gambe si erano riempite di petecchie. Che sapore sgradevole sentivo in bocca!!! E non è migliorato nemmeno dopo la fine dell’infusione!!! Ora è partita la fase del supporto ematologico. Se dagli esami i medici vedono che il midollo è un po’ pigro gli danno la giunta!!! Ieri poi mi sono accorta che da giorni non segnavo più se avevo evacuato. Per me che ho sempre sofferto del problema opposto a causa degli eosinofili è una vera catastrofe non andare regolare… E se entro oggi non fossi andata spontaneamente, avrebbero provveduto loro in qualche modo! Non volevo minimamente pensare a un eventuale clistere! Il dott mi ha spiegato che sicuramente è dovuto alla chemio e anche al fatto che non mangio autonomamente. Quanto avrei voluto avere uno dei miei soliti attacchi di colite per risolvere la cosa! Non mi sarei mai sognata di poter desiderare una cosa del genere dopo tutto ciò che ho passato! Lo sciroppo già lo prendevo da qualche tempo perchè probabilmente i medici sanno già che ci devono aiutare in qualche modo a mantenere la normale funzionalità intestinale, anche visti i mille tipi di antibiotici che somministrano. Ieri sera ho iniziato a sentire la pancia più dura e ho tentato l’impossibile. Avrò fatto su e giù dal bagno una ventina di volte tutta la notte ma niente! Stamattina ho dovuto prendere un po’ di glicerina che finalmente mi ha aiutata. Che buffo scrivere di questa cosa!!! Secondo me, quando rileggerò questa pagina mi chiederò:”Con tutti i problemi contingenti, perchè scrivere così tanto del tuo intestino?”. Forse per noi che viviamo qui reclusi ogni cosa che spezzi la routine diventa a suo modo importante e ci permette di focalizzare le nostre forze su un problema da risolvere! Ed è come trovare quel piccolo pezzo di puzzle che ti porta a riconquistare un po’ di normalità!!! Come vorrei tornare a casa, come vorrei respirare un po’ d’aria pura e non riciclata! Come vorrei una temperatura più ragionevole! Stare in canotta qui dentro è normale! La cosa strana a cui non mi potrò mai abituare è avere freddo alla testa!!! Devo sempre portare il berrettino sterilizzato che si è ritirato a tal punto con la sterilizzazione da diventare una vera e propria papalina! E a nulla sono valsi i tentativi di mamma di trovare berretti in puro cotone perchè una minima quantità di nylon la contengono sempre. Quindi la testa rimane sempre parzialmente scoperta! E quanto mi prende in giro Vale!!! E io gli rispondo sempre che dovrebbe prima guardare alla sua di pelata!!! Siamo proprio bellini insieme! Siamo i due pelati Cirio!!!
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