Da ieri ho iniziato ad accusare un mal di testa fastidioso e forte che non se ne andava con nessuna sostanza somministrata dagli infermieri. Stamattina l’ho riferito anche al doc che mi è sembrato un po’ preoccupato. Dopo pranzo un’infermiera è entrata in camera per dirmi di prepararmi perchè mi dovevano portare a fare una tac urgente… Fuori?????? Nel mio stato????? Ero terrorizzata all’idea che ci potesse essere qualcosa al mio cervello, una delle paure che ho sempre avuto! Ho aspettato l’arrivo dell’ambulanza per il trasporto… il panico ormai si era impadronito di me e nemmeno mamma che mi era accanto riusciva a rasserenarmi. Anche dal suo viso trapelava la paura. Mi sono sdraiata sulla barella e appena varcata la porta di uscita ho sentito l’aria gelida arrivare ai miei polmoni nonostante la mascherina. La sensazione di respirare un’aria diversa è stata indescrivibile e per pochi secondi mi sono dimenticata del mio terrore. Fatta la tac sono stata riportata nella mia camera in attesa di sapere cosa avesse evidenziato. Devo essermi assopita per poco perchè non ho sentito entrare il doc… Doveva comunicarmi che sarebbe stato necessario eseguire anche una risonanza magnetica. Lui non voleva dirmi cosa avevano visto ma con me niente può essere tenuto nascosto. La tac aveva individuato due aree dense di lesione e era necessario valutare meglio la loro natura. E lì il panico ha preso il sopravvento. Sarebbe stato necessario fare il liquido di contrasto che in vita mia non avevo mai potuto fare a causa del rischio elevato di shock anafilattico. Sono stata trasportata di nuovo al dipartimento di radiologia e a quel punto non ragionavo più. Nemmeno le gocce per calmarmi sembravano funzionare!!! A nulla era valso il tentativo del doc di dirmi che spesso questi addensamenti possono essere dovuti alla tossicità dei farmaci. Sono stata trasferita sul lettino della rm e la mia testa è stata ingabbiata per impedirmi di muoverla e sono scivolata all’interno di quel tubo inquietante sperando solo di non avere un infarto. Il tempo non trascorreva mai e cercavo di osservare l’esterno attraverso il minutissimo specchietto inclinato e appositamente sistemato per i pazienti. Una volta uscita e tornata in stanza ho aspettato con ansia il responso piangendo fra le braccia della mamma. L’esito per fortuna ha dato ragione al doc: le lesioni riscontrate sono l’effetto tossico della ciclosporina che è stata immediatamente sospesa e sostituita con il tacrolimus. Il mal di testa sarebbe passato. Ho assunto spesso la ciclosporina ma non mi aveva mai dato tali problemi! La tensione si è allentata e sono scivolata in un sonno ristoratore fino a cena.
L’attesa dell’attecchimento sta diventando un’ossessione! Cosa aspettano le nuove cellule a palesarsi? Qualcosa non va? E se il midollo non parte? Pensare al peggio ormai sembra diventato più semplice che pensare positivo… Eppure un barlume di speranza ancora la sento! Non può finire così! Non posso lasciare soli Vale e i miei… Dopo tutto ciò che hanno fatto per me! Anche stamattina l’emocromo non si è mosso e i dottori hanno detto che abbiamo tempo fino a domani. E allora la biologa che è in me è venuta fuori lasciando di stucco il dott. Gli ho semplicemente chiesto se non possano darmi qualche fattore di stimolazione per aiutarlo a partire visto che dorme ancora… E lui:” Pamela, sarebbe preferibile che partisse da solo! Un po’ di margine lo abbiamo ancora! Vedrai che andrà tutto bene!”. Però forse in qualche modo mi hanno ascoltata… Oggi pomeriggio verso le 16 ho visto una delle infermiere arricchire il mio albero di Natale con una nuova e piccola boccettina. Sono andata subito alla porta a vetri e le ho chiesto cosa fosse. Vitamine, vitamine per compensare una carenza… Appena è uscita ho cercato di vedere se l’etichetta riportasse qualche dicitura ma non riuscivo a vedere perché girata verso l’esterno! Questa cosa un po’ mi ha indispettita perché il mio albero non ha segreti per me! Sempre le solite venti boccette e la sacca dell’alimentazione… Quella nuova boccetta mi ha disturbata. Ho aspettato che finisse per vedere qualcuno venirla a togliere e magari farmi vedere un indizio… Niente! Non mi resta che aspettare e vedere se succederà qualcosa nei prossimi giorni! ❤️❤️❤️
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